Towards and Away Moves Part 2: Which Side Are You Living On?
The Same Behaviour, Two Completely Different Lives
In Part 1 of this series, we introduced the idea that it's not just what you do that shapes your mental wellbeing, it's why you do it. The fuel behind an action determines whether it nourishes you or quietly drains you, regardless of how productive or admirable it looks from the outside.
In Part 2, we want to bring that concept to life with something concrete. Because the towards and away distinction can feel abstract until you see it played out in the everyday behaviours that make up your actual life.
Consider four things that most people would describe as positive: working hard, helping others, staying connected, and looking after your health. These sound like unambiguously good things. And they can be. But look more carefully at what is driving them, and the picture changes significantly.
The same four behaviours. Two completely different internal experiences. Two very different effects on wellbeing. The towards and away moves.
Four Everyday Behaviours, Two Different Fuels
Working hard. From the away side: working hard to avoid failure, to avoid being seen as inadequate, to avoid the shame of falling short. The work is driven by fear of what happens if you stop or slow down. The internal experience is one of pressure, vigilance, and a relief that never quite lasts. From the towards side: working hard because contribution and growth genuinely matter. Because the work itself is meaningful. Because you care about the impact it has. The internal experience is one of purpose, engagement, and sustainable effort.
Helping others. From the away side: helping to avoid disapproval, to avoid disappointing people, to avoid the guilt of saying no. The help is given not from genuine care but from the need to manage how others feel about you. It is exhausting precisely because it is endless, there is always another person to keep satisfied. From the towards side: helping because kindness and service are values you have actually chosen. Because you genuinely care about the people in your life. The help is given freely, without resentment, because it reflects who you want to be, not who you are afraid of failing to be.
Staying connected. From the away side: staying connected to avoid being alone, to avoid the anxiety of rejection, to manage the fear that if you pull back even slightly, people will leave. The connection feels necessary rather than chosen. Checking in becomes a form of emotional monitoring rather than genuine relating. From the towards side: staying connected because deep relationships genuinely matter. Because you value intimacy, belonging, and the people you share your life with. The connection is sought and enjoyed rather than performed and monitored.
Looking after your health. From the away side: exercising, eating well, or managing your health to avoid falling apart, to outrun fear of illness, to feel in control of a body that feels threatening. The motivation is dread rather than care. From the towards side: looking after your health because wellbeing and vitality matter. Because you want to feel good in your body and have the energy to live a life that feels full. The care is an expression of self-respect rather than self-management.
Why the Distinction Matters More Than You Think
Looking at these examples, it becomes clear that away moves are not obviously harmful from the outside. In fact, many of the most exhausted, anxious, and depleted people you will ever meet are working hard, helping everyone around them, staying connected, and taking care of their health. They are doing everything right, and yet something fundamental is wrong.
The missing piece is fuel. When behaviour is primarily driven by avoidance; fear of failure, rejection, falling apart, or disappointing others, it produces relief rather than fulfilment. And relief is a temporary state. It fades quickly, leaving the underlying fear intact and requiring the behaviour to repeat in order to maintain it. Over time, life organised around away moves becomes a life organised around managing fear. And that is genuinely exhausting, regardless of how productive it looks.
Towards moves, by contrast, build something. They accumulate into a sense of meaning, connection, and genuine wellbeing because they are oriented toward something that actually matters to you, not away from something you are trying not to lose.
How to Begin Shifting the Balance: Towards And Away Moves.
The shift from away to towards is not dramatic or sudden. It begins with noticing, honestly and without judgment, what is actually fuelling your most consistent behaviours. Not what you want the answer to be. What it actually is.
Some useful questions to sit with: When I help someone, is it because I want to, or because I am afraid of what happens if I don't? When I work late, am I doing this because it matters, or because stopping feels unsafe? These questions are not an invitation to self-criticism. They are an invitation to self-awareness. And that awareness, held gently, is where real movement begins.
If you find that most of your daily actions are towards moves, driven by genuine values and what matters most to you, that is worth acknowledging. If you find that away moves dominate, that is worth taking seriously. Not as a failure, but as important information about where your energy is currently going and what it is costing you.
If more than 60% of your time is being spent on away moves, working with a psychologist can help you understand the deeper patterns driving those behaviours and begin shifting them; gradually and sustainably, toward a life that feels more genuinely yours.
At The Harvest Clinic, our AHPRA-registered psychologists work with individuals across Australia who are ready to understand the fuel behind their behaviour and begin moving toward what genuinely matters. Bulk-billed sessions available with a Mental Health Care Plan. Telehealth, Australia-wide.
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