Dealing with Your Inner Critic Part 3: The Hidden Rules That Keep You Stuck
- Emmanuel Daniel
- Aug 4
- 4 min read
The Rules We Live By, Without Knowing It: Inner Critic
Most of us carry a set of unwritten rules about how we should live, who we should be, and what we must never do. They operate quietly in the background, shaping our decisions, driving our behaviour, and setting the standard by which we judge ourselves. And most of the time, we don't even know they're there.
I must never make a mistake.
I must never disappoint others.
I should always be liked.
I should never upset people.
I should always achieve highly.
These aren't conscious choices. They are deeply internalised beliefs, formed through experience, shaped by the environments and relationships we grew up in, and they run like background programming in the mind.
The inner critic, as we've explored in Parts 1 and Part 2 of this series, doesn't exist in a vacuum. It fires in response to something. And what it is almost always responding to is a perceived violation of one of these rules. When we fall short of a standard we have internalised, when we make a mistake, disappoint someone, fail to achieve, or upset another person, the inner critic activates. Not because it is cruel, but because it was programmed to protect us from exactly these outcomes.
Understanding this is not just intellectually interesting. It is the foundation of genuine change.
Where These Rules Come From And Why They Persist
Internalised rules are not invented arbitrarily. They are learned, through the messages we received from caregivers, teachers, and peers; through experiences that taught us what was safe or unsafe, acceptable or unacceptable; through moments where love, approval, or belonging felt conditional on how we performed or behaved.
A child who learned that mistakes brought harsh consequences may internalise I must never get this wrong. A person who grew up in an environment where conflict felt dangerous may carry I must never upset anyone. Someone whose worth was tied to achievement may have absorbed I should always be successful or I have failed. These rules made sense, even served a purpose, at the time they were formed. They were attempts to navigate a world that felt unpredictable or demanding.
The problem is that rules formed in childhood rarely come with an expiry date. They persist into adulthood, applying the same rigid standards regardless of context, regardless of whether the original threat is still present, and regardless of whether they are actually working. And the more important an area of life is to us, relationships, work, parenting, our sense of self, the more active and punishing the rules tend to become.
This is why high-achieving people can feel like failures despite objective success. It is why people-pleasers remain anxious despite how hard they work to manage others' feelings. The rules are never fully satisfied, because they were never designed to be.
Recognising the "Shoulds," "Musts," and "Need Tos"
One of the most practical first steps in loosening the grip of internalised rules is simply learning to notice them. The language of internalised rules is distinctive, and once you learn to hear it, it becomes easier to identify when a rule is running the show.
I should always be available.
I must not let people down.
I need to get this right or people will think less of me.
I should never show weakness.
I have to keep everyone happy.
These statements, filled with absolutes like always, never, must, should, and need to, are the language of rules, not values. They are conditional, inflexible, and leave no room for being human.
Values, by contrast, are chosen directions. They guide behaviour without punishing imperfection. A value of caring for others can coexist with the reality that you sometimes fall short, and still allow you to feel like a person of worth. A rule of I must never disappoint anyone cannot. One is something you move toward. The other is something you must perpetually avoid violating.
Becoming aware of the rules you are living by, simply naming them, creates a degree of separation between you and them. It opens the question: is this rule still working for me, or is it costing me more than it's worth?
From Rules to Psychological Flexibility
Identifying internalised rules is the beginning, not the end. The deeper work, supported by evidence-based approaches like Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) and Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT), involves understanding where each rule came from, examining the fear beneath it, and gradually developing more flexible, compassionate ways of relating to yourself and the world.
This is not about lowering your standards or becoming indifferent to how you show up in the world. It is about replacing rigid, fear-driven rules with values you have consciously chosen, ones that allow for imperfection, growth, and genuine self-compassion rather than endless self-scrutiny.
The inner critic loses its power not when you win the argument with it, but when the rules it is enforcing no longer have the same hold. When I made a mistake is no longer equivalent to I am a failure, the critic's voice becomes quieter, not because you've suppressed it, but because the underlying belief that fuelled it has changed.
This kind of change is possible. It is the work. And it is worth doing.
At The Harvest Clinic, our AHPRA-registered psychologists work with individuals across Australia to explore the internalised rules and core beliefs driving self-criticism, perfectionism, and anxiety, and to build more flexible, compassionate ways of living. Telehealth sessions are available Australia-wide, with bulk-billed options for eligible clients with a Mental Health Care Plan.
I noticed the part about rules formed in childhood not having an expiry date, and that hit close to home. Writing down my own hidden rules helped me see them clearly, kind of like using a Minecraft Enchantment Calculator to figure out complex problems step by step. It's a simple trick but it works.