The Slippery Diamond: Why We Develop the Strategies We Do

Imagine you're a child, and someone hands you something precious, a diamond. You're told this diamond has incredible value, that you must carry it with you wherever you go, and that at all costs, you must protect it. But here's the catch: this diamond is slippery. I know that sounds strange, but bear with me. This metaphor has a point.

You're holding this diamond, and it keeps sliding through your fingers. You catch it just in time, again and again. Your heart races each time it nearly falls. But you have to take it with you everywhere, that's one of the rules. So what do you do? As you grow older and wiser, you start developing strategies to keep this precious thing safe.

Slippery diamond metaphor for childhood attachment patterns - The Harvest Clinic

The Strategies We Create to Protect What Matters

Take a moment and really consider this: What strategies might you come up with to protect this slippery diamond from being lost or broken?

When I've asked people this question, they've come up with remarkably creative solutions. Some say they'd sticky tape the diamond to their hand so it can't slip away. Others would build a secure box around it, carefully holding the box instead of the diamond itself. Some people take a different approach, they'd plan ahead for each day, especially if they know they're going somewhere where losing the diamond becomes more likely. They'd organize their strategies based on what they anticipate might happen.

Whatever the specific approach, there are probably thousands of ways you could protect this diamond. You might avoid certain situations altogether. You might develop elaborate routines to check that it's still secure. You might become hypervigilant, constantly aware of where the diamond is and what threats might be nearby. You might even limit your activities, declining invitations or avoiding experiences that could put the diamond at risk.

These strategies make perfect sense given what you're trying to protect. They're intelligent, adaptive responses to a real challenge. Some require constant effort and attention. Others might limit your freedom. But they work, they keep the diamond safe, and that's what matters most.

When the Diamond Isn't Slippery: A Different Experience

Now imagine another child who also received a diamond. However, their diamond sticks to their hand no matter what happens. If they decide to throw it, if they run, jump, play, or explore, whatever they do, that diamond isn't going anywhere. It's secure, inherently safe, never at risk of being lost.

So here's the question: Would this person have to develop the same creative strategies that you had to develop? Would they need to build a box or tape it to their hand? Would they have to pre-plan every day, anticipating risks and organizing protective measures?

The answer is no. They wouldn't need any of those strategies because they don't have a problem to solve. They don't have to work to prevent losing the diamond because it was never at risk in the first place. While you're carrying around boxes, planning ahead, and restricting your movements, they're free to move through life without that constant underlying concern.

This doesn't make them smarter or better. They didn't do anything to deserve a secure diamond, they just got one. And you didn't do anything wrong to deserve a slippery one, that's just what you were given. But the difference in the diamond's nature creates a profound difference in how each person moves through the world.

Your Diamond: What We're Really Protecting

So what does this metaphor actually mean? What is this diamond we're talking about?

The diamond represents the things that are critical to our psychological and emotional well-being. Things like love, acceptance, belonging, safety, and our fundamental sense of worthiness. These aren't luxuries, they're essential to our ability to thrive as human beings.

For some people, these needs were met consistently and reliably. Their diamond wasn't slippery. They grew up with secure attachment, consistent acceptance, and reliable love. When they reached out for connection, it was there. When they made mistakes, they weren't rejected. They learned at a deep level that love and acceptance were secure, not something they had to constantly work to maintain.

But for many of us, our experience was different. These critical needs were slippery. Maybe love felt conditional, dependent on our performance or behavior. Maybe acceptance came and went based on factors we couldn't control. Perhaps safety was inconsistent. Maybe we experienced rejection, criticism, or hurt in moments when we were vulnerable and needed connection most.

These experiences sent a powerful message: the things you need most are at risk. They can be lost. They can slip away. And when they do, it hurts deeply. So naturally, intelligently, we developed strategies to prevent that from happening again. We learned to protect the diamond.

The Strategies We Carry: Recognizing Your Protective Patterns

The strategies we develop aren't literally about building boxes or sticky tape. But they're just as real and often just as elaborate.

Some of us became people-pleasers, constantly attuning to others' needs and preferences, making sure we never displease anyone who might withdraw their love or acceptance. We learned to sacrifice our own needs to keep others happy, because that seemed like the way to keep the diamond safe.

Others developed perfectionism, believing that if we could just be good enough, achieve enough, then we'd finally secure the love and acceptance we needed. We built an elaborate box of accomplishments around our worth, hoping that would protect it from criticism or rejection.

Many of us learned to worry and plan obsessively, always thinking ahead to what could go wrong. We became hypervigilant, scanning for threats, trying to anticipate and prepare for every possible scenario where we might be hurt or rejected.

Some people chose withdrawal and self-protection. If you never get close to anyone, if you never make yourself vulnerable, if you avoid situations where rejection might happen, then you can't lose the diamond, at least, that's what this strategy promises.

Others became hyperindependent, learning to never need anything from anyone. If you don't need love, acceptance, or connection, then you can't be hurt when they're withdrawn.

These strategies worked. They helped us survive difficult circumstances. They protected us when protection was necessary. They made sense given what we experienced. There's intelligence in every one of these adaptations.

But here's what often happens: the strategies that once protected us can eventually limit us. The people-pleasing that kept us safe might mean we lose ourselves in relationships. The perfectionism that earned acceptance might drive us to exhaustion. The withdrawal that protected us from rejection might also keep us from the deep connection we actually crave.

At The Harvest Clinic, we understand this. We see that your strategies aren't problems to be eliminated, they're intelligent adaptations to be understood. We recognize that the behaviors that frustrate you now once served an important purpose. And we believe that when you understand why you developed these patterns, when you recognize what diamond you've been protecting and why it felt so slippery, you gain the freedom to choose differently.

We work with you to explore your unique history, to understand what made your diamond feel at risk, and to recognize the creative strategies you developed in response. From that place of understanding, we can begin to ask: What do you need now? What strategies serve you today? And what new approaches might help you feel secure enough to set down the protective boxes and tape?

Ready to understand your protective strategies and discover new ways forward? Book an appointment with us and begin exploring what you've been protecting, and why.

Book your session today!

In this short talk, Ric address:

• Why your diamonds are slippery

• How we at The Harvest Clinic stand out from the rest when it comes to diagnosis and treatment - see full video here.