Four Obstacles to a Rich and Meaningful Life: Part 4 - Remoteness from Values
After what may be the longest awaited conclusion to a blog series, we now arrive at the fourth and final obstacle that stands in the way of living a rich, full, and meaningful life.
Thus far we have covered number the first 3 of the 4 obstacles which can be broken down into the Acronym F.E.A.R:
1. FUSION
2. EXCESSIVE GOALS
3. AVOIDANCE OF DISCOMFORT
4. REMOTENESS FROM VALUES
Here & now, we unravel the profound impact of the 4th and final aspect - Remoteness from Values.
Remoteness from Values: The Unseen Barrier
Remoteness from values essentially means being disconnected or detached from our values. This can mean not knowing what they really are, through to not being able to bring them into our consciousness when we are faced with difficult thoughts or emotions.
Take for example a time where you are driving to work and the person in front of you is going slow or otherwise driving poorly in some way. Imagine that you notice frustration building and your mind starts to say things like "what's wrong with this person" "I've got to get to work or I'm going to be late", "how on earth did this person get their license!". As you start to get fused with these thoughts, AND as you start to experience the stress rising in your body (which you'll naturally want to resolve - as we discussed in article #3 of the series. It may be hard to direct your behaviour wisely and from a values basis, if you don't know what kind of person you value being OR if you can't bring them to mind in the midst of this moment.
Remoteness from our values can be the most subtle yet powerful barrier to living a full life. Unlike thoughts and emotions that intrude into our consciousness, values often operate in the background, quietly shaping the course of our lives. Here are three ways in which remoteness from values can hinder our journey:
1. Lack of Clarity and Guidance:
Values serve as our internal compass, providing clarity and guidance in the decisions we make. When remote from our values, we navigate through life without a clear direction. The lack of clarity hampers our ability to discern whether our actions align with our true aspirations, making it challenging to lead a purposeful life. In other words, how can we possibly know if what we are doing is meaningful or not, if we aren't clear on what defines meaning itself?
2. Cultural Assimilation and Unfulfilling Metrics:
Being remote from values often leads us to adopt societal values from those around us as a default setting. We then measure success and fulfillment by external standards which results in a sense of confusion that we appear to have 'everything' but yet we remain unfulfilled. As a result, achieving these standards may leave us feeling unfulfilled, recognizing that they do not contribute to a meaningful life.
3. Lack of Emotional Anchoring in Adversity:
Values act as emotional anchors, particularly in challenging times. When facing adversity or difficult emotions, a strong connection to our values provides stability and resilience. Without this connection, challenging emotions can easily derail us from our path.
The Towards and Away Rule: A Recap
To understand how remoteness from values becomes an obstacle, let's revisit the Towards and Away Rule. While it makes sense to move towards what is pleasurable and away from what is harmful in the external world, we extend this rule to our internal world, categorizing certain emotions as 'bad' and others as 'good.' This categorization by our minds can lead us to move away from discomfort. When doing what is most valued to us also brings up difficult feelings, this default setting then prevents our growth and fulfilment.
Exercise: Crafting Your Legacy
So let's get practical and help to bring your values to the forefront of your consciousness... Imagine yourself at 100 years old, reflecting on your life, looking back over the way you lived, what you did, and what kind of person you were.
Now, really sit with this image, really see your life from this elderly perspective.
Then, ask yourself this question - "When I'm looking back over my life, what do I really want to be able to say about who how I lived, what I did, and what kind of person I was"
Take a moment to actually write down what words come up in your mind as you reflect.
Then Read them over slowly each one, and check in with yourself as you do, - "how important is this quality to me" until you find the core values that you identify as most important.
Keep these words close to you in some way, read them daily, wear them as a necklace, make them pop up on your phone as a reminder, find any way to keep them showing up in your day to day life. While knowing values isn't enough (we have to act them out in our life to bring them to life), it's certainly a critical piece of the puzzle!