Struggling With Grief? Understand the Struggle Against Loss and How to Heal
- Emmanuel Daniel
- 2 days ago
- 6 min read
Updated: 2 days ago
Grief is one of life's most universal experiences, yet it's also deeply personal. While psychology has attempted to quantify what constitutes "normal" grieving, the reality is far more nuanced. At The Harvest Clinic, we believe that successful grief doesn't mean you stop feeling anything about the person you've lost. In fact, continuing to feel deep sadness about someone's absence often simply means they mattered deeply to you - and that's not a disorder.
The real issue isn't that grief lingers - it's when we start struggling against our own natural emotional responses. When we tell ourselves we "shouldn't" feel this way, beat ourselves up for our feelings, or desperately try to avoid the pain through distractions, substances, or other escape behaviors, that's when grief becomes problematic.
If you're wondering whether your grief is "normal" or feeling frustrated that you're still deeply affected by your loss, you're not alone. Understanding the difference between feeling grief and struggling with grief is the first step toward finding peace with your experience.
The Real Problem: Fighting Against Your Feelings
The challenge isn't that you're still sad about losing someone important to you. The challenge arises when we develop what we call "emotional avoidance" - the patterns of behavior aimed at not feeling our natural grief response.
Signs you might be struggling with grief (rather than simply experiencing it) include:
Telling yourself you "should be over it by now"
Feeling guilty or ashamed about your continued sadness
Using distractions to avoid thinking about your loss (excessive social media, work, entertainment)
Turning to substances like alcohol, drugs, or food to numb the pain
Avoiding places, people, or activities that remind you of your loved one
Believing secondary thoughts like "life has no meaning now" or "I'll never be happy again"
Feeling like you're "going crazy" or that something is wrong with you for still grieving
When Avoidance Becomes the Problem
The emotional effects of avoiding grief can be profound and long-lasting. When we fight against our natural responses to loss, we often create additional suffering on top of the already painful experience of missing someone we love.
Avoidance strategies might provide temporary relief, but they typically:
Intensify the emotional pain over time
Create shame and self-judgment
Lead to feelings of being "stuck" or trapped
Interfere with your ability to honor your loved one's memory
Prevent you from engaging fully with life while carrying your love for them
The irony is that our attempts to escape grief often create the very problems we're trying to solve. The more we fight against our feelings, the more distressing they become.
Understanding Grief as Love
How to process grief begins with a fundamental shift in perspective. Grief isn't a problem to be solved - it's love with nowhere to go. When someone dies, our love for them doesn't disappear. The sadness you feel is actually a testament to the value that person had in your life.
Healing from grief doesn't mean:
Reaching a point where you feel "okay" about the loss
Stopping missing the person who died
Moving on or getting over it
Returning to who you were before
Instead, healthy grief processing involves:
Learning to feel sadness without struggling against it
Recognizing that your ongoing love and sadness honor your relationship
Distinguishing between the natural pain of loss and the additional suffering created by fighting your feelings
Finding ways to carry your love for the person while engaging fully with life
The Path to Healing: Embracing Rather Than Escaping
Dealing with grief in a healthy way means learning to hold two truths simultaneously: you can deeply miss someone while still living a full and meaningful life. This isn't about "getting over" your grief - it's about developing a new relationship with it.
Coping with loss involves several key shifts:
Accepting Your Feelings: Rather than judging your grief or trying to change it, practice acknowledging it with compassion. "Of course I'm sad - I loved this person deeply."
Questioning Your Thoughts: Notice when your mind adds extra suffering with thoughts like "I should be better by now" or "This means I'll never be happy again." These thoughts aren't facts - they're your mind's attempt to make sense of loss.
Honoring Through Living: The best way to honor someone's memory isn't to remain stuck in sadness, but to live fully while carrying your love for them. They would want you to experience joy, connection, and meaning.
Feeling Without Fixing: Practice experiencing your grief without immediately trying to make it go away. Sadness about loss is appropriate - it doesn't need to be fixed or eliminated.
Professional Support You Need When Struggling With Grief
Sometimes we need support not to "get over" our grief, but to stop fighting against it. Therapy for grief can be incredibly helpful when you're caught in patterns of avoidance or when your mind is creating additional suffering through self-judgment and hopeless thinking.
At The Harvest Clinic, we understand that the goal isn't to eliminate your grief - it's to help you develop a healthier relationship with it. Our approach focuses on:
Learning Emotional Tolerance: Developing the ability to feel difficult emotions without immediately trying to escape them.
Identifying Avoidance Patterns: Recognizing the ways you might be unknowingly making your grief more difficult through avoidance or self-criticism.
Challenging Unhelpful Thoughts: Learning to distinguish between the natural pain of loss and the additional suffering created by your thoughts about the loss.
Finding Meaning and Purpose: Discovering ways to live fully while honoring your loved one's memory and the impact they had on your life.
Online Therapy: Accessible Support for Grief
We know that when you're struggling with grief, even simple tasks can feel overwhelming. That's why we offer online therapy for grief and loss, making it easier to access support when you need it most.
How online counselling can help with grief:
Receive support from the comfort of your own home
Access therapy even when leaving the house feels too difficult
Maintain privacy while processing sensitive emotions
Schedule sessions around your grief's natural rhythms
Connect with therapists who specialize in grief without geographic limitations
Grief therapy through telehealth removes barriers while providing the same quality of care as in-person sessions. You can work with a therapist who truly understands that grief is love, not pathology.
The Harvest Clinic's Compassionate Approach
At The Harvest Clinic, we don't see grief as a disorder to be cured. We see it as a natural human response to loss that sometimes needs support when we get caught in patterns of avoidance or self-criticism.
Our approach to grief support focuses on:
Normalizing your ongoing love and sadness as healthy responses to loss
Helping you identify and change patterns of emotional avoidance
Teaching you to feel grief without adding extra suffering through self-judgment
Supporting you in finding ways to live fully while honoring your loved one
Providing tools for tolerating difficult emotions without being overwhelmed by them
We believe that finding peace after loss doesn't mean feeling okay about the loss - it means learning to hold your grief with compassion while still engaging with life, relationships, and meaning.
Moving Forward: Living Fully While Grieving
Emotional healing after loss is about integration, not elimination. It's about learning to carry your love for someone who has died while still being present for your life now. This isn't betraying their memory - it's honoring it.
Remember, there's nothing wrong with you for still feeling deeply affected by your loss. The depth of your grief reflects the depth of your love. The goal isn't to stop feeling sad about losing someone important to you - it's to learn to feel that sadness without struggling against it, and to live wholeheartedly while carrying that love.
Healing means:
Feeling sad about loss without believing it means something is wrong with you
Missing someone deeply while still engaging with life
Honoring their memory through how you choose to live
Accepting that grief is the price of love - and that both are valuable
Ready to Change Your Relationship with Grief?
If you're ready to stop fighting against your grief and start learning to carry it with compassion, we're here to help. Our approach isn't about eliminating your sadness - it's about helping you develop a healthier relationship with it.
You don't need to "get over" your grief to live a meaningful life. You can miss someone deeply while still experiencing joy, connection, and purpose. This isn't about moving on - it's about moving forward with your love intact.
Book an appointment with us today and begin your journey toward holding your grief with compassion while living fully. Your path to peace doesn't require leaving your love behind - it requires learning to carry it with both hands.
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